Sunday, March 13, 2011

The Beginning


Well, I have never blogged before.  I saw my wife doing it so I thought I would jump on the bandwagon.  I'm not even sure what blogging is other than you type stuff.  So much has happened over the last few years that to begin without going far enough back would be an injustice.  So where do I begin?

I was born in Germany in 1982.  Although I am of German descent, I believe I was there because my father was in the military.  Because I have a problem with talking/typing too much and the fact that I don't like talking about myself too much, I will try to be brief.


I was raised in your typical American home.  2 parents, 1 sister, no divorce.  And I know I might step on some toes with these things, it is the truth.  I was raised in a postmodern home; meaning that truth was relative in my upbringing.  I noticed at a very young age (somewhere around 12 or so) that I didn't really like people too much.  I grew up without a 'bigger picture' mentality, so when I would ponder the question "why am I here?", it quickly became apparent that there was no point to life.  Thus, since there was no point, I really didn't care about anyone around me.  Logically, why would I?  I quickly considered myself an aethiest/agnostic and really hated all forms of organized religion.  I believed that religion was for stupid and weak people that can't control their own life.

I would be told things like "you can do anything you set your mind to" or "just think positive" or "you are so smart, you're just not applying yourself".  Problem with this thinking was that when things didn't work out and things fell through or failed, I quickly became angry at the people telling me these things.  If I know that I tried and yet it failed, why try again?  And then I would wonder why I should want to try again!!  If I just die and go into a hole in the ground, who gives a crap about how much money I make?  Why would I want a house?  Why would I want good grades?  Why do I need friends?  Why should I listen to the things people say to me?  I quickly got angry at the world and everyone in it.  I just basically did not care about anything and slowly learned that manipulation and intellect was the way to go.  Logically I would get what I want and if people fell by the wayside, who cares?  So when I realized that my parents and people around me were human and had faults, I exploited them.  Not because I wanted to, it just logically made sense.  Do what you needed to do to get what you want and try to survive.  Isn't that what everyone was doing?  And when someone hurt me, it just gave fuel to my hate which drove my way of thinking.  It was a win-win situation.

So, obviously, I made my way to drugs.  It began with pot at the age of fourteen.  I was instantly hooked.  Not to the effects of marijuana, but to the escape.  I could put aside all the chaos that was going on in my head and just "BE".  It's like every time I got high it was a side story to the narrative that was my life.  I also begain dabbling with music.  Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson, Nirvana, Rage Against the Machine, White Zombie, Korn.....these begain my career in losing myself in my mind.  I found people that felt the same way that I did about life.  I was home.  So naturally I was drawn to people in life, like in music, that had my same beliefs and had a complete lack of concern for life and the people in it.  Let's just get high, have fun and wait till it's over.

We lived in Texas at the time (around '93-'94) and up until this point all I had done was pot and cigarettes.  We then moved to Columbia SC, and within weeks my life took a major turn.  I quickly made friends with fellow Metal/Hip-Hop heads, and quickly started getting stoned and connections to get pot.  Well, that's when I first started experimenting with acid or LSD.  This opened up many doors in my mind that were previously closed and I ate it up.  Literally.  I ate so much LSD.  It's like a year was one long trip.  I was throwing house parties when parents went out of town and just living it up.  It was about the end of my sophomore year when a major event made its way into my life : Raves, techno and ecstasy.

I finally fell in love with a drug and the effects it had on my mind.  I was finally happy.  I cannot express how much I enjoyed going to raves, eating A LOT of ecstasy and forgetting who I was.  My life for multiple years was eating pills all weekend, going to a nearby city and attending a rave, and then waiting all week till the next one.  Well, for anyone that knows anything about ecstasy, while it is really great while it is going on, you really crash afterwards.  This is how prescription drugs made their way into my life.  During the week in school, I would take a mixture of Adderall, Xanax, Hydrocodone, Oxycodone, Percocet and many others to counter the effects that the ecstasy had on my mind and emotions.  The last 2-3 years of high school was basically a blur of parties, almost dying on pills, sleeping, smoking, music and driving.  Mixed in there were experiments with shrooms, special-K, many other prescriptions, drinking, candy flipping, GHB amongst other things.  If someone would ask me what my drug of choice was I would say "whatcha got?"

The end of the year 2000 was the one defining moment in my life that would change it from there on out : I discovered heroin.  The moment I did it, my brain said "this is what i've been looking for"....at the time, I was living in a two bedroom town home, owned quite a bit of stuff, was in a serious relationship and for the most part happy.  I lost everything to heroin.  Everything.  Just to be quick, the next 9 years was going through one reset of life after another.  Everything I did and said was for heroin.  I used everyone I knew.  I stole anything I could.  Any money I made was for my fix.  In and out of rehabs (some family doesn't know about), on and off of methadone (when I 'tried' to quit), losing apartments, losing jobs, losing friends; over and over.  I upgraded after 3 years from smoking it to shooting it up and if you can believe it, it got worse.  I eventually had an overdose, in which I stopped breathing, turned blue and hit the pavement with foam coming out of mouth.  Needless to say I was rushed to the hospital.  It didn't stop me though.  I got arrested a few times for attempting to buy heroin and stealing stuff.  I slept in my car.  Slept at friends houses.  Slept/lived at parents.  I really didn't care as long as I wasn't sick from withdrawals.

This is a picture of me high:
I eventually met Misty (now my wife), and we lived together.  She really didn't know how bad things actually were.  I was going to say that I stopped using for a little while, but my 'not using' times were me still taking subutex/suboxone to be well, so not really sober.  Well, that didn't last long.  I went right back to what I was doing and worse.  I would steal from Misty to use.  I would sell her stuff.  I've stolen prescription pills from her parents and many other 'houses' i've been in.  I just didn't care.

Something changed : Misty was pregnant.  Believe it or not, this still didn't matter.  I actually used more in the months leading up to her delivery than ever before.  I had NO plan of stopping.  I would spend food money (for my then unborn daughter) on heroin, come home and use, then steal money from my pregnant girlfriend to use more.  I was stealing from my daughter before she was even born.  I had burned all bridges with friends and family.  For some reason beyond me, Misty ended up calling my family to let them know how bad things were.  My family stepped in (mainly my sister and brother-in-law, praise God) and I had the option of going somewhere for help or Misty and my soon-to-be daughter would be gone.  I agreed to go somewhere.  I mean, I had already been places so yeah, of course I would go somewhere.  I needed one of those life reset buttons again.  Get my feet back on the ground and hit it running sometime in future.  Well, God had different plans.

I found myself dropped off at a place called U-Turn for Christ in Lexington SC...basically right down the road.  I HATED IT!!!  These people prayed and read the bible!!  They hugged eachother.  They went to church.  It was horrible.  I actually tried to leave but ended up going back because I had no other options.  There was no medical detox.  No medication to help.  No doctors on hand.  No smoking.  No television.  No music.  WHAT?!?!  5 bible studies a day?!  I wasn't going to be brain washed by some stupid Christian cult.  It was going to be hard, but I was determined to make it through.  To say I got sick is an understatement.  For about 4 days I was a zombie.  I basically didn't leave my bed.  I have memories of bible studies, plates of food in front of me (which i didn't eat), church services (I think), praying and people talking; that's about it.  Well, in about a week, I felt better!! Which was unheard of for me.  I would usually be sick for at least 2 weeks.  3 to function.  But it was a week later and I was able to work, talk, joke, EAT!, comprehend conversations and reading; it was amazing!  So I quickly knew that something that I did not understand was happening.  A week and a half after arriving at the program I got saved!  To try and put into words the changes that have taken place in my heart and mind would be impossible.  It is that unspoken thing that anyone that has had their heart changed by a Living God knows about.  I would love to talk to anyone about what God has done in my life, my mind and my heart.  Something I plan on doing on this blog is posting the things that I have wrestled with God about.  Whether it's theologically, Scriptural, or just through conversations I've had with fellow believers and non-believers. 

My entire life has been a never-ending search for the Creator of the universe.  It has been a search for the life and words of Jesus Christ.  I tried filling that hole with everything under the sun with no success.  The kind of things that God has changed in my heart could not have been done by any other means than through His grace and love.  I have tried to escape it; I have tried to argue it; but it is these changes and how it affects my every day life and thoughts that truly keep my faith grounded.  I have been building a relationship with Jesus Christ for two years now, and He has not let me down yet.  He promises, I put my faith in Him and He is always there.  He has not lied to me once.  He has forgiven me of things that I don't understand how He could.  He has shown me grace where other have shown condemnation.  The world has told me I don't need God when He has been the one thing I have needed.  Every single day from here on out will be my greatest attempt to show Him how much I love Him, and in that letting that love be real to others.  Although I fail miserably (ask my wife), I make a conscience effort to let my life be lead by His Spirit.  His grace tells me that when I stumble and fall, I can lean on Him.  I am finally home.


I now live behind Calvary Chapel in Lexingtion SC (which U-turn is affiliated with), I am married to my best friend on this earth, I have a wonderful 2 yr old daughter, we regularly attend church, we are avid readers of His word and I am a full-time plumber.  My life is full of joy that I cannot begin to express.  There is such a peace (although I sometimes complicate it) about everything that I cannot do anything but praise His name.

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