Scripture reading

Here is where I'm going to post Scripture verses that are currently speaking to me, books in the bible I am currently reading/studying or any other things that pops up that is worth mentioning.  The purpose is for conversation not to boast in the reading of His Word.  I also plan on putting up my Proverb for the day which is in accordance to the date.  For example, today is the fifteenth, so I read Proverbs 15 today.  Simple right? In U-turn we would choose one and discuss.  I will do the same here.

3/15
Currently reading : John
Studying (forever) : Romans
Proverb 15:22
    It was really hard for me to learn to ask and seek counsel.  My pride tells me that I make my own choices and that I don't need anyone's help.  I feel differently about that now.  I don't believe that the people in my life are out to get me, so I actually want their opinion.  They usually always lead me to Scripture so I am very greatful for the godly people that are in my life.

Verse : Romans 8:5
    For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit.


3/17
Proverb 17:20
    This proverb always screams at me.  One of the areas that I def fall short in is my language.  Not that I cuss, but my humor and conversation sometimes veers into areas that are not edifying.  My sense of humor still goes in wrong directions.  I believe my defense mechanism of wanting to be liked kicks in and it overpowers the desire to do what is right. 

Verse : Psalm 10:4
    The wicked, in the haughtiness of his countenance, does not seek Him.  All his thoughts are, "There is no God."

5/18/2011
Hebrews 13:9
     Do not be carried about with various and strange doctrines.  For it is good that the heart be established by grace, not with foods which have not profited those who have been occupied with them.

6/6/11
John 6:64
     "But there are some of you who do not believe ."  For Jesus knew from the beginning who they were who did not believe, and who would betray Him.

Galatians 1:11,12
     But I make known to you, brethren, that the gospel which was preached by me is not according to man.  For I neither recieved it from man, not was I taught it, but it came through the revelation of Jesus Christ.

11/4/11  
Galatians 5:7,8
     You were running well; who hindered you from obeying the truth?  This persuasion did not come from Him who calls you.

My quest for Truth

The first thing (or obstacle) that I faced after I got saved was the Bible.  I had to ask myself questions referring to the things that I believed (or thought I believed) about Christianity and its claims.  I had never read the Bible, never really prayed (save for 'amen' before I stuff my face), and never really thought about what I believed and why. 

What is the Bible?  Isn't it just a man-made book with the purpose of controlling people?  Aren't Christians just weak minded people with no purpose, thus the need for a God?  Why do I keep hearing things talked about this man Jesus Christ as though he is currently alive?  Wasn't he just some guy who was good with words and steeped in philosophy?  Aren't all religions balled up into one category: useless?  If it helps people, aren't I open to that?  If it's what you need, isn't it okay?  Why are these people talking about miracles from the past as though they were real?  Wasn't there one about some big ship and the world flooding?  Wasn't there one about the parting of some sea?  Don't these people realize that they are just stories and not historical fact?  Why do these people pray?  Don't they know that it is pointless?  Praying just helps you keep control, so keep it to youself internally.  If I read any book 5 times a day, I would believe it.  There is nothing special about the Bible, it is written by man right?  Hasn't it been altered a countless number of times?  Can't 100 people read a Scripture and come up with 100 interpretations?  Isn't what works for each person what is best?  I don't 'not' believe in God, I just don't know;  isn't that okay?  If God is so loving like Christians claim, He knows my heart and I'm okay.  These are just some of the questions that raced through my mind.  Although this took some time, I eventually found that I really didn't know any of the answers, I just knew what I had read/heard.  It really boils down to 5 fundamental quests:

1. Origen          -where did we come from?
2.  Identity        -who are we?
3. Meaning       -why are we here?
4. Morality       -how should we live?
5. Destiny        -where are we going?

These are not original ideas, I can't remember where I saw these.  I will try to quote where I can but i'm slack about writing down the source.  If I don't have the source, I will note that the material is not mine.
I looked up the source : "I Don't Have Enough Faith to be an Atheist", by Norman L. Geisler and Frank Turek, p.20

Even before I get into where these questions took me, I have to briefly talk about the first thing that God brought to the surface in my life : my pride.  In U-turn for Christ, you basically live with around 20 guys all from different walks of life.  Different drugs of choice.  Different home lives.  I say this because up until this point, I didn't really deal with people.  Once I wrote someone off in my mind just saying "they are stupid" was my solution to everything and I could exit that person's life.  I quickly realized that I really wasn't too pleasant to be around sober.  I thought I was awesome, but the way people responded to me told me otherwise.  Since I had no music, no video games, no drugs, no cool clothes; I really didn't know how to relate to people.  I made a few friends, but for the most part I could tell that something was different.  I felt exposed and naked.  I didn't have anything to hide behind and I didn't like it.  I tried with all my might to make everything that was wrong about other people.  Through wise council, I discovered that drugs really weren't the problem.  It was gone and yet that was when the problems started.  I felt like a little boy lost in a busy place.  I had no idea where to go.  Logically looking at my emotions; the hate, the anger, the desire to run, the desire to rationalize everything as stupid.  This logically made me look at the fact that there was something inside of me WANTING me to run away and return to what was comfortable.  This was a great indication for me to see why that was. 

1.  Where did I come from?

Past belief = Through evolution and very long periods of time, man is here.  Some time billioins of years ago, a single cell organism began to adapt to its environment, beginning a process that has spanned eons, resulting in my existence.  By huge mathmatical possibilities, survival of the fittest, natural selection and chemical processes, life has endured.  Life began as certain chemicals reacted to other specific chemicals creating life.  Chance reigns.

Biblical account = Man was created in God's image.  All of creation has been created with a purpose and design.  All of creation exists to fulfill God's plan of salvation, which was predestined before time was even time.  God orchestrates everything to express His love for his creations. 

Obviously, I had some problems.

[[[Even before I talk about this subject I need to say something.  Nothing trumps just reading the Bible.  I believe that there is a language of God.  It is a language not of words or of sound, it just 'IS'.  I believe that it is the language nature follows.  It is the language of life.  It is a language that God put in our hearts that we have lost the ability to hear.  Nothing I say in this blog about the Bible and it's accuracy is going to change you.  Many times I will refer another book rather than getting into specific topics on scrutinizing the Scriptures.  I have read many books in my life ranging across many topics.  Although they are interesting and very educational, they didn't change me.  The Bible is the first book that when read actually touches on things in my heart that I thought hidden and had been there since before I can remember.  Nothing but the words of God can do this.  Many things I talk about are interesting, but you have to actually read the Bible in order to hear from God or to be able to defend your disbelief in Him.  The Bible is 'that' language put into words so that we can understand it.  It is for human lives through accounts of human lives.  It is unexplainable and when read, the fact that it is not from this world becomes apparent.  PLEASE READ IT!! If there is ever any specific Scripture to discuss, find me on facebook.  This blog will not get too specific into the application and validitiy of Scriptures, it is about my walk thus far with God.  Ok, back to where I was at  :o)  ]]]]


For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because that which is known about God is evident to them.  For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse.  For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened.  Professing to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed animals and crawling creatures. [Romans 1:18-23]

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation.  For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities- all things have been created through Him and for Him.  He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.  [Colossians 1:15-17]

In the beginning God created the heavans and the earth.  [Genesis 1:1]

I might actually be getting ahead of myself.  In the beginning of my walk, when people would bring me Scripture, I would just say in my mind "But I don't believe in the Bible so why give me Scripture.  You can't prove something by using itself."

I recommend the following books which I have read and would REALLY enjoy discussing after being read:

The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel
Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
The New Evidence That Demands a Verdict by Josh McDowell
More Than a Carpenter by Josh McDowell

These really helped in addressing my doubts and problems I had about the Bible while beginning to read it.  I highly recommend above all else talking to people about things you read in the Scriptures.  Don't be afraid to ask questions and raise doubts, just be prepared for an answer.

So, you can imagine the conflict that insued when I read what the Bible declared happened in creation.  The Bible went against everything I had been taught up until that point.  School, parents, friends, books, movies, music; it all hinted at me being in charge of my own destiny.  If it were true that what the Bible said about my existence and the intent behind it, I had some explaining to do. My life thus far had been lived without having to answer for my actions.  I was in control of my life (or so I thought), so to learn that there was a God that loved me hit me pretty hard.  Loved me even though I had done what I had done.  That made NO SENSE to me.

This book (the Bible) told me that I was created out of love and that the creator of the universe came down to earth as a man.  Once I learned a little bit about the things this man said, it shocked me to learn that he was hung on a cross.  I remember hearing someone say "They basically killed Mr. Rogers because he told them to love their neighbor.  That has to make you wonder."  This truth blew me away!  I expected Jesus to say some hate-filled and offensive things given how my life had been full of people attacking Him.  I expected Him to make me angry.  Say things that totally went against what was inside me and for it to be obvious that this was some scheme by man. But instead, His message was about love and how His life represented that love.  The things found in the gospels spoken by Christ have such a supernatural power.  Shortly after reading the Bible for the first time, I realized that it wasn't what I had always thought it was.  I realized that not that many people ACTUALLY read it or knew what it said enough to allow its words to guide their life.  I learned that most of the Christians that I had met did not actually read it and were just acting according to what they were taught.  I'm not making assumptions.  I remember many things they said and it went against what the Word of God says.  I know we all fail, but when someone's life is submitted to the will of God, you can tell.  You can also tell when it is not.  I believe it is a discernment that only the Word of God can give you through His Spirit.

Recommended reading on the person of Christ and the things He said :
The four Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John)
The Jesus I Never Knew by Philip Yancey
Jesus Among Other gods by Ravi Zacharias
The Life of Jesus by Josh McDowell

I defend the life of Christ because I believe it is the beginning of anyone who comes to Christ.  I believe what He said needs to be challenged and observed.  I know that what He said are the words of life, so I quickly tell non-believers to meet Him head on.  His Word says that anyone who diligently seeks Him will find Him, and I agree with my whole heart.  Anything further on where I came from, the validity of the Bible and of the person of Christ would ask for my opinions.  I believe the Bible, once read, is very clear on the subject.

The Beginning

Well, I have never blogged before.  I saw my wife doing it so I thought I would jump on the bandwagon.  I'm not even sure what blogging is other than you type stuff.  So much has happened over the last few years that to begin without going far enough back would be an injustice.  So where do I begin?

I was born in Germany in 1982.  Although I am of German descent, I believe I was there because my father was in the military.  Because I have a problem with talking/typing too much and the fact that I don't like talking about myself too much, I will try to be brief.

I was raised in your typical American home.  2 parents, 1 sister, no divorce.  And I know I might step on some toes with these things, it is the truth.  I was raised in a postmodern home; meaning that truth was relative in my upbringing.  I noticed at a very young age (somewhere around 12 or so) that I didn't really like people too much.  I grew up without a 'bigger picture' mentality, so when I would ponder the question "why am I here?", it quickly became apparent that there was no point to life.  Thus, since there was no point, I really didn't care about anyone around me.  Logically, why would I?  I quickly considered myself an aethiest/agnostic and really hated all forms of organized religion.  I believed that religion was for stupid and weak people that can't control their own life.

I would be told things like "you can do anything you set your mind to" or "just think positive" or "you are so smart, you're just not applying yourself".  Problem with this thinking was that when things didn't work out and things fell through or failed, I quickly became angry at the people telling me these things.  If I know that I tried and yet it failed, why try again?  And then I would wonder why I should want to try again!!  If I just die and go into a hole in the ground, who gives a crap about how much money I make?  Why would I want a house?  Why would I want good grades?  Why do I need friends?  Why should I listen to the things people say to me?  I quickly got angry at the world and everyone in it.  I just basically did not care about anything and slowly learned that manipulation and intellect was the way to go.  Logically I would get what I want and if people fell by the wayside, who cares?  So when I realized that my parents and people around me were human and had faults, I exploited them.  Not because I wanted to, it just logically made sense.  Do what you needed to do to get what you want and try to survive.  Isn't that what everyone was doing?  And when someone hurt me, it just gave fuel to my hate which drove my way of thinking.  It was a win-win situation.

So, obviously, I made my way to drugs.  It began with pot at the age of fourteen.  I was instantly hooked.  Not to the effects of marijuana, but to the escape.  I could put aside all the chaos that was going on in my head and just "BE".  It's like every time I got high it was a side story to the narrative that was my life.  I also begain dabbling with music.  Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson, Nirvana, Rage Against the Machine, White Zombie, Korn.....these begain my career in losing myself in my mind.  I found people that felt the same way that I did about life.  I was home.  So naturally I was drawn to people in life, like in music, that had my same beliefs and had a complete lack of concern for life and the people in it.  Let's just get high, have fun and wait till it's over.

We lived in Texas at the time (around '93-'94) and up until this point all I had done was pot and cigarettes.  We then moved to Columbia SC, and within weeks my life took a major turn.  I quickly made friends with fellow Metal/Hip-Hop heads, and quickly started getting stoned and connections to get pot.  Well, that's when I first started experimenting with acid or LSD.  This opened up many doors in my mind that were previously closed and I ate it up.  Literally.  I ate so much LSD.  It's like a year was one long trip.  I was throwing house parties when parents went out of town and just living it up.  It was about the end of my sophomore year when a major event made its way into my life : Raves, techno and ecstasy.

I finally fell in love with a drug and the effects it had on my mind.  I was finally happy.  I cannot express how much I enjoyed going to raves, eating A LOT of ecstasy and forgetting who I was.  My life for multiple years was eating pills all weekend, going to a nearby city and attending a rave, and then waiting all week till the next one.  Well, for anyone that knows anything about ecstasy, while it is really great while it is going on, you really crash afterwards.  This is how prescription drugs made their way into my life.  During the week in school, I would take a mixture of Adderall, Xanax, Hydrocodone, Oxycodone, Percocet and many others to counter the effects that the ecstasy had on my mind and emotions.  The last 2-3 years of high school was basically a blur of parties, almost dying on pills, sleeping, smoking, music and driving.  Mixed in there were experiments with shrooms, special-K, many other prescriptions, drinking, candy flipping, GHB amongst other things.  If someone would ask me what my drug of choice was I would say "whatcha got?"

The end of the year 2000 was the one defining moment in my life that would change it from there on out : I discovered heroin.  The moment I did it, my brain said "this is what i've been looking for"....at the time, I was living in a two bedroom town home, owned quite a bit of stuff, was in a serious relationship and for the most part happy.  I lost everything to heroin.  Everything.  Just to be quick, the next 9 years was going through one reset of life after another.  Everything I did and said was for heroin.  I used everyone I knew.  I stole anything I could.  Any money I made was for my fix.  In and out of rehabs (some family doesn't know about), on and off of methadone (when I 'tried' to quit), losing apartments, losing jobs, losing friends; over and over.  I upgraded after 3 years from smoking it to shooting it up and if you can believe it, it got worse.  I eventually had an overdose, in which I stopped breathing, turned blue and hit the pavement with foam coming out of mouth.  Needless to say I was rushed to the hospital.  It didn't stop me though.  I got arrested a few times for attempting to buy heroin and stealing stuff.  I slept in my car.  Slept at friends houses.  Slept/lived at parents.  I really didn't care as long as I wasn't sick from withdrawals.

This is a picture of me high:
I eventually met Misty (now my wife), and we lived together.  She really didn't know how bad things actually were.  I was going to say that I stopped using for a little while, but my 'not using' times were me still taking subutex/suboxone to be well, so not really sober.  Well, that didn't last long.  I went right back to what I was doing and worse.  I would steal from Misty to use.  I would sell her stuff.  I've stolen prescription pills from her parents and many other 'houses' i've been in.  I just didn't care.

Something changed : Misty was pregnant.  Believe it or not, this still didn't matter.  I actually used more in the months leading up to her delivery than ever before.  I had NO plan of stopping.  I would spend food money (for my then unborn daughter) on heroin, come home and use, then steal money from my pregnant girlfriend to use more.  I was stealing from my daughter before she was even born.  I had burned all bridges with friends and family.  For some reason beyond me, Misty ended up calling my family to let them know how bad things were.  My family stepped in (mainly my sister and brother-in-law, praise God) and I had the option of going somewhere for help or Misty and my soon-to-be daughter would be gone.  I agreed to go somewhere.  I mean, I had already been places so yeah, of course I would go somewhere.  I needed one of those life reset buttons again.  Get my feet back on the ground and hit it running sometime in future.  Well, God had different plans.

I found myself dropped off at a place called U-Turn for Christ in Lexington SC...basically right down the road.  I HATED IT!!!  These people prayed and read the bible!!  They hugged eachother.  They went to church.  It was horrible.  I actually tried to leave but ended up going back because I had no other options.  There was no medical detox.  No medication to help.  No doctors on hand.  No smoking.  No television.  No music.  WHAT?!?!  5 bible studies a day?!  I wasn't going to be brain washed by some stupid Christian cult.  It was going to be hard, but I was determined to make it through.  To say I got sick is an understatement.  For about 4 days I was a zombie.  I basically didn't leave my bed.  I have memories of bible studies, plates of food in front of me (which i didn't eat), church services (I think), praying and people talking; that's about it.  Well, in about a week, I felt better!! Which was unheard of for me.  I would usually be sick for at least 2 weeks.  3 to function.  But it was a week later and I was able to work, talk, joke, EAT!, comprehend conversations and reading; it was amazing!  So I quickly knew that something that I did not understand was happening.  A week and a half after arriving at the program I got saved!  To try and put into words the changes that have taken place in my heart and mind would be impossible.  It is that unspoken thing that anyone that has had their heart changed by a Living God knows about.  I would love to talk to anyone about what God has done in my life, my mind and my heart.  Something I plan on doing on this blog is posting the things that I have wrestled with God about.  Whether it's theologically, Scriptural, or just through conversations I've had with fellow believers and non-believers. 

My entire life has been a never-ending search for the Creator of the universe.  It has been a search for the life and words of Jesus Christ.  I tried filling that hole with everything under the sun with no success.  The kind of things that God has changed in my heart could not have been done by any other means than through His grace and love.  I have tried to escape it; I have tried to argue it; but it is these changes and how it affects my every day life and thoughts that truly keep my faith grounded.  I have been building a relationship with Jesus Christ for two years now, and He has not let me down yet.  He promises, I put my faith in Him and He is always there.  He has not lied to me once.  He has forgiven me of things that I don't understand how He could.  He has shown me grace where other have shown condemnation.  The world has told me I don't need God when He has been the one thing I have needed.  Every single day from here on out will be my greatest attempt to show Him how much I love Him, and in that letting that love be real to others.  Although I fail miserably (ask my wife), I make a conscience effort to let my life be lead by His Spirit.  His grace tells me that when I stumble and fall, I can lean on Him.  I am finally home.

I now live behind Calvary Chapel in Lexingtion SC (which U-turn is affiliated with), I am married to my best friend on this earth, I have a wonderful 2 yr old daughter, we regularly attend church, we are avid readers of His word and I am a full-time plumber.  My life is full of joy that I cannot begin to express.  There is such a peace (although I sometimes complicate it) about everything that I cannot do anything but praise His name.