Due to recent conversations I decided to write this post. Exposing theology that is damaging to the body is a duty I believe belongs to everyone. So often I see people claiming the name of Christ and then approving of things that are obviously not of Him. It's one thing to fall short due to our sinful nature, it's another to be in disobedience and act like you're not.
In order to keep myself from rambling, I'm gonna try to keep some structure to this. Here are the problems and misconceptions I'm seeing very often in the theology of people that claim to be "Christians".
1) Attitude towards the act of sinning.
2) Attitude towards being held accountable vs. being judged.
3) What is done because of our sinning.
A right view of sin and it's source is CRUCIAL to having a correct view of God's love.
Quote:
" Change is a process, I'm a "work-in-progress", just because you don't see it doesn't mean it's not happening."
If you ever have to tell another Christian that you are a work in progress or "This is how God made me.", it's a good indicator that your view of sin is off. Think this logic through : Since we are a "work-in-progress" until the day we die (sanctification), and use this as a cop-out when we sin, when will that excuse not be applicable? If I commit the exact same sin 30 years from now, can't I just say then also that I'm being worked on? Don't misunderstand me, if we are still struggling with the same things a decade later does not mean we aren't Christian or that God is not working in our lives. But being able to view our sin in an "oh well" kind of attitude is terrible, especially if we try to convince someone else to have that same view. Do people not understand what happens each and everytime that we sin? Do you not know that when you sin you are spitting in the face of Christ as He is hanging on the cross? When you KNOW what you are supposed to be doing according to His word and you choose something different, you are telling God that you know better. This is better observed in next topic.
Being held accountable and being judged is not the same thing. One is something we are all called to and the other is God's justice.
Quote:
" your opinion in other's changes through their beliefs is simply your opinion, discouraging to others, and ungodly according to the scripture."
(Hey look Romans! The book I live in)
Romans 14:4 Who are you to judge another's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand.
Romans 14:10 But why do you judge your brother? Or why do you show contempt for your brother? For we shall all stand before the judgement seat of Christ.
(This Scripture is actually supportive of the argument. It's only posted because it has been used by others. Other translations have this verse wierd and misleading. NKJV here.)
Romans 14:22 Do you have faith? Have it to yourself before God. Happy is he who does not condemn himself in what he approves.
Here's a scenario: Let's say I have a problem with anger. I stuggle daily with getting into my flesh and lashing out at the people around me. One night things get a little out of hand between my wife and I. There's a lot of yelling, a lot of cussing and I end up punching her in the face. Later that evening I post a video of this entire exchange.
Let's say this is posted on facebook and a friend of mine makes a comment about how that it is horrible and I should repent. What if I said to him/her "hey man, i'm a work-in-progress, don't judge me." Wouldn't that be absolutely ridiculous?? The issue here isn't whether or not i'm a Christian, whether or not i'm "changing", whether or not i'm growing; The fact that I posted it communicates to everyone that I approve of it or else I wouldn't have posted it. In fact, the judgement was made when I posted the video, my friend was just holding me accountable. The accountability was based upon scripture. The judgement spoken of in the bible (apart from the fact that the above scriptures were taken out of context, referring to judging your brother according to liberties NOT on obedience) is not the same as being held accountable by a fellow Christian.
The issue is not whether or not the bible says it's a sin to drink. The instant you put it out there for others to see you have given it approval. We are supposed to be ABOVE reproach. When being held accountable, if any response other than "you're right" (if it is according to Scripture), then our heart is not right. Not only this, if we are claiming the name of Christ and yet give the image that it's okay to do things that are OBVIOUSLY NOT ACCORDING TO SCRIPTURE, we are bringing shame to Christ. If someone weak in the faith sees a Christian drinking, smoking, cussing, watching terrible stuff, playing terrible stuff, having random sex etc etc, then they will think "see? it's okay to do that. He/she is doing it." The issue isn't whether a person is judging you out of self-righteousness or holding you accountable out of love. The REAL issue is that if you can claim the name of Christ and yet do those things and DEFEND/MAKE EXCUSES, there is a serious problem.
The scripture found in Romans 14 is not referring to hypocritical judging.
Judging : I think you are pitiful human being and deserve to go to hell.
Holding accountable : We should not be doing that as Christians.
Given how evil our hearts are and how easy it is to fall to a lie of the enemy, pray and praise God for people in your life that will actually hold you accountable rather than lead you astray. Also, the 14th chapter in Romans is on liberties and not judging your brother according to them. Throughout the entire bible (especially proverbs) we are always called to steer someone in the right direction in love. Proverbs compares and contrasts the foolish vs. the wise all throughout. Do we have the right to demand that someone season this process with grace?? Not at all. If harshness wakes someone up (which doesn't mean without love), then praise God for people that are bold. Pray for more people to have the gift of prophecy for it is so desperately needed in the body.
We should be self-examining daily, asking God to reveal those areas in our hearts that are not fully surrendered to Him.
The thing is is that there are so many influences from outside sources that we use as an excuse to not give those areas to Him when they are exposed. Your Pastor and what he teaches is SO vital to a life surrendered to the Spirit. If the person that is guiding you takes you down the wrong path, you probably won't even be able to recognize it. You MUST test everything! Reading, studying and memorizing scripture is absolutely neccessary to discern those things that are not of God. If your pastor says something, seek the guidance of multiple sources (other pastors and commentaries). The question is, What is the goal or end result of interpreting this passage this way? If it doesn't lead you to repentance, dying to self, being led by the Spirit and focusing on Christ then it is wrong.
Quote:
"Worship is a "thank you" that refuses to be silent, and we have tried to ...make a science out of it, we can't do that anymore than we can "sell love" or "negotiate peace".
Romans 12:1,2
I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service [or worship]. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
Questions to ask:
1) How can I be a living sacrifice?
2) How do I not be conformed to this world?
3) What does Paul mean by renewing your mind?
Worship is not saying "thank you". Thank you is saying "thank you". Worship is giving God the glory for merely existing.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Venn(e) diagram
Thus far in my walk the topic of free will vs. predestination has come up many times. It has been a tough concept for me to at least understand. How a meta-narrative is going on behind the curtain yet all the choices of our free wills are happening on stage astounds me. I've read quite a few books, listened to debates, listened to lectures and talked to many people on the subject and yet still struggled with it. I'm a big fan of dispensationalism (the study of God revealing who He is to man in stages) so I thought I would talk about how this process has allowed me to finally come to terms on a very tough subject.
Although the "X" disappears with just a click of a mouse, it took a whole lot more in life. To go from everything being my will to allowing predestination to come in was huge. If you want to read about it, I talked about it in an earlier blog.
After life being what it was (see blog), I was at the point where I entertained ideas of a God. Free will and predestination were two seperate entities that somehow were going on at the same time. If you ever look at a discussion or lesson on it, there is always a "v.s." between the two. So many times I hear these being discussed as two opposing concepts. Looking at the above diagram (i apologize the quality, but it serves its purpose), this is how I thought for quite a while. I've been saved for a little over two years now, and this diagram represents how I thought for at least the first 10-14 months. I still struggled with many things. If you could talk to anyone that was alongside me for that period of time would tell you that I was still a mess. I had so many questions that drove me crazy. There were many times of losing control, tears, anger, frustration and close calls with walking away.
I started to learn that there was a relationship between the two. Although many problems in my theology, the small darkened area represents the acceptance of their co-existence. I didn't understand, but I knew they were working together. I remember having a theology like a meter, where the closer you were to the center, the more you were in God's will. The further you leaned in either direction, the less the percentage got of being in His will. Theology of standing in a hallway with thousands of doors, each one representing a different choice. Behind each door were thousands and thousands of doors branching from each one representing the thousands of plans God had for each circumstance I created. I would open a door, and He already had the next hallways ready to accommodate my choice. Theology of thinking that free will was an illusion since God knew everything beforehand. Free will only exists from my finite mind and viewpoint yet still completely pointless. Nothing was required of me; no need to witness to that person since whether or not they are "chosen" has already been decided, regardless of what I say to them.
Once again, I believed this diagram/theology for a little while. It's success could be seen by the fact that even after I was saved I fell into a backsliding state, resulting in horrible choices and consequences. I still struggled. Although not like before, there was still some restlessness. I was still not happy with how I was perceiving God and His will.
This is where the whole thought process began which lead to this post.
Things I hear Christians saying:
"God allowed it to happen."
"God took away [fill in blank] because it was too important in their life."
"It wasn't God's perfect will but His permissive will."
The problem I have with this line of thinking is that it kind of hints at a theology where things happen and THEN God acts accordingly. Like He is sitting there, watching and waiting, and then when the chips fall He uses His great wisdom to carry out His plan and desires. Permissive and perfect will?!? What?!?
Like He is watching a movie and I should worship Him because He has the remote and can pause it whenever He wants to do what He wants. It hits that certain "whatever" inside of me when someone's response to something bad happening in someone's life is "Well, He let it happen."
I'm sorry, for me He doesn't "allow" anything to happen. This is how my thought process works now: "God knew that [insert bad circumstance] would happen when it did, where it did, how it did in the EXACT way before the creation of the universe." There is no such thing as "before" in eternity. There is no time! It's like we try to weasel Him out of being responsible for bad things happening. How we do we know that the "thing" that happened was bad?! According to my finite mind it's bad. My loved one is gone. I have no money to eat. I can't pay bills. My health failed. But it's ALL temporary. We are heaven bound. These circumstances were planned and our name in the book of life before everything. "God wouldn't do that. Sin did it. God isn't like that." Bull crap!! Satan has to ask for permission. God is in complete control of everything. The bigger picture is that sin needed to exist for us to fully come to Him. The end result is a right standing relationship with Love. He knew what He was doing. Why do we come up with things that make God smaller than He is? Why do we feel it neccessary to come up with excuses for the things that happen as though God is fumbling around trying to catch up to the events of daily life?
Free will and predestination and the way they coincide is just a glimpse of His ways. I don't get it. I finally put it to rest. It seems like other people's ideas of how God works always complicated things for me in my head. Once He had entered my heart (apart from my mind), I began to see that His ways are NOT my ways and they never will be while I am in this tent. I'm going to accept it rather come up with little cliches that put him in a box that I can fit in my pocket.
This is how I lived my life before God stepped in (although that's what He did over 2,000 years ago on a cross). I believed that I was in control of my own destiny. I wasn't a big believer in any current psychological trend of new age hokus-pokus. My life and the way I lived it was based on facts. Life sucks. Everyone sucks. We are just floating along on this pointless speck of a planet that was eons old and would be here eons from now. I basically lived a life that met my needs. Even the thought of a bigger picture view was foreign to me. It actually made me angry because I heard people talk about it, but life was still pretty terrible. I heard all these wonderful things and yet I was so hurt on the inside, so I logically decided that any idea of God did not exist and the people that did believe He existed were morons. Needing to find purpose in their pathetic lives, they choose to believe in some "pie in the sky" hopes. Not me. I was smarter than that.
Although the "X" disappears with just a click of a mouse, it took a whole lot more in life. To go from everything being my will to allowing predestination to come in was huge. If you want to read about it, I talked about it in an earlier blog.
After life being what it was (see blog), I was at the point where I entertained ideas of a God. Free will and predestination were two seperate entities that somehow were going on at the same time. If you ever look at a discussion or lesson on it, there is always a "v.s." between the two. So many times I hear these being discussed as two opposing concepts. Looking at the above diagram (i apologize the quality, but it serves its purpose), this is how I thought for quite a while. I've been saved for a little over two years now, and this diagram represents how I thought for at least the first 10-14 months. I still struggled with many things. If you could talk to anyone that was alongside me for that period of time would tell you that I was still a mess. I had so many questions that drove me crazy. There were many times of losing control, tears, anger, frustration and close calls with walking away.
I started to learn that there was a relationship between the two. Although many problems in my theology, the small darkened area represents the acceptance of their co-existence. I didn't understand, but I knew they were working together. I remember having a theology like a meter, where the closer you were to the center, the more you were in God's will. The further you leaned in either direction, the less the percentage got of being in His will. Theology of standing in a hallway with thousands of doors, each one representing a different choice. Behind each door were thousands and thousands of doors branching from each one representing the thousands of plans God had for each circumstance I created. I would open a door, and He already had the next hallways ready to accommodate my choice. Theology of thinking that free will was an illusion since God knew everything beforehand. Free will only exists from my finite mind and viewpoint yet still completely pointless. Nothing was required of me; no need to witness to that person since whether or not they are "chosen" has already been decided, regardless of what I say to them.
Once again, I believed this diagram/theology for a little while. It's success could be seen by the fact that even after I was saved I fell into a backsliding state, resulting in horrible choices and consequences. I still struggled. Although not like before, there was still some restlessness. I was still not happy with how I was perceiving God and His will.
This is where the whole thought process began which lead to this post.
Things I hear Christians saying:
"God allowed it to happen."
"God took away [fill in blank] because it was too important in their life."
"It wasn't God's perfect will but His permissive will."
The problem I have with this line of thinking is that it kind of hints at a theology where things happen and THEN God acts accordingly. Like He is sitting there, watching and waiting, and then when the chips fall He uses His great wisdom to carry out His plan and desires. Permissive and perfect will?!? What?!?
Like He is watching a movie and I should worship Him because He has the remote and can pause it whenever He wants to do what He wants. It hits that certain "whatever" inside of me when someone's response to something bad happening in someone's life is "Well, He let it happen."
I'm sorry, for me He doesn't "allow" anything to happen. This is how my thought process works now: "God knew that [insert bad circumstance] would happen when it did, where it did, how it did in the EXACT way before the creation of the universe." There is no such thing as "before" in eternity. There is no time! It's like we try to weasel Him out of being responsible for bad things happening. How we do we know that the "thing" that happened was bad?! According to my finite mind it's bad. My loved one is gone. I have no money to eat. I can't pay bills. My health failed. But it's ALL temporary. We are heaven bound. These circumstances were planned and our name in the book of life before everything. "God wouldn't do that. Sin did it. God isn't like that." Bull crap!! Satan has to ask for permission. God is in complete control of everything. The bigger picture is that sin needed to exist for us to fully come to Him. The end result is a right standing relationship with Love. He knew what He was doing. Why do we come up with things that make God smaller than He is? Why do we feel it neccessary to come up with excuses for the things that happen as though God is fumbling around trying to catch up to the events of daily life?
Free will and predestination and the way they coincide is just a glimpse of His ways. I don't get it. I finally put it to rest. It seems like other people's ideas of how God works always complicated things for me in my head. Once He had entered my heart (apart from my mind), I began to see that His ways are NOT my ways and they never will be while I am in this tent. I'm going to accept it rather come up with little cliches that put him in a box that I can fit in my pocket.
Kwotes
When I read something that really speaks to me I want to start posting them.
Chuck Swindoll, New Testament Insights on Romans p238-239
The second passage is an allusion to Job 41:11, in which the Lord challenges the bewildered and suffering patriarch, "Who has given to Me that I should repay him? Whatever is under the whole heaven is Mine." This divine challenge comes at the end of a long quest for answers by Job and his friends, a journey that called into question God's integrity, wisdom, and goodness. Then, just like now, they faced tragedy with a singular question on their lips: Why? And for months, the man's so-called friends speculated about His nature and spun a tangled web of vain theologies. Job's wife counseled him to forsake life and end his own misery. Eventually, the man was brought to his end and strongly demanded his day in court, where he felt sure he would be vindicated and the Lord caught short.
After a long time -- we don't know how long -- the Lord broke the silence as He confronted the man who was "blameless, upright, fearing God and turning away from evil" (Job 1:1). However, He didn't come with answers. Job never learns of Satan's challenge in heaven. Job never recieves an explanation. He is never presented with a logical list of reasons that his tragedy was ultimately a part of God's good plan for him and everyone affected. Instead, he encounters God Himself -- and this meets his need. Seeing God's unsearchable mercy and gazing into His unfathomable ways end the man's desperate quest for answers. He puts his hand over his mouth and repents of his foolish outbursts. And, at that point, he worships.
Leilani Cummings, Thou shalt love theyself...
http://godstuff.ablurk.com/archives/291
If we as Christians have nothing better than the latest pop-psych to offer, why would the hurting and lost come to Christ? They’ve tried all that stuff, it’s empty and without substance. It is a substitute for real change and real transformation. So, why are we watering the Gospel down? Why aren’t each of us then “ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in us…” as Peter admonishes us to do? I think Paul in 1 Corinthians 13 gives us the reason…we’re children and we don’t want to grow up! We want and crave the milk of God’s Word and refuse the meat…because it’s hard. We want our ears tickled.
Bob Hoekstra
This "other truth" is man's best guess about what is going on in an arena that he can not really see: the heart, soul, mind and inner man. Man cannot see in there. When he tries to look in, he gets all confused, because the heart is deceitful. God is the only one who can look upon it, and He is not guessing at what is taking place. He just looks in there, declares the way He made man, how man fell, what the resulting problems are, and what He has provided to make man whole inside. He has declared all of this to us in His Word. If we integrate human philosophies or theories into these matters of divince revelation, we are polluting God's truth.
Joe Boot
Reason is only trustworthy when it finds its place under God's authority. Without trust in God, we have to assume that the laws of logic are valid without any guarantee or justification for this assumption. The presence of the divine logos, the very Word of God, is necessary, and Jesus is revealed as the logos - the word from which we derive the term "logic". In John 1, Jesus is the self-existant one, the ground of all being. He is the truth and the life (John 14:6). He alone can bring completeness to our reasoning. Only in Him is there a truly transcendant source of knowledge that illuminates the minds of creatures. Without Him there is no completeness. When we accept His truth by faith, we can have a logically consistent worldview. God's truth in the world and his Word, both in the created order and special revelation, are one. They are interrelated and connected, and so taken seperately cannot adequately be known. We must begin any pursuit of knowledge with confident submission to God and His Word.
Chuck Swindoll, New Testament Insights on Romans p 264-266
[12:17]
Paul's counsel is straightforward enough: "To no one give back evil against evil" (my literal translation). While explaining the qualities of genuine love, Paul echoed the words of Christ, "Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse" (12:14; Matt. 5:44; Luke 6:28). Isn't it interesting that both Jesus and Paul instruct us to watch our speech? The heart is a well and the tongue is a bucket. The lips can only draw from what's in the heart, and an untransformed heart contains an insatiable desire to protect its own rights.
Plans for revenge begin with cursing. The Theological Dictionary of the New Testament notes: "Curses, found in almost all religious history, are utterances that are designed to bring harm by supernatural operation." Today we don't traffic in black magic and malicious incantations, but we do curse, we do wish harm to come on the person who has injured or offended us. How we choose to respond verbally prepares us for our next decision. If we want to obey the command to avoid returning evil for evil, we must bring our tongues under control. We must first obey the command to "bless and not curse."
The Greek word for "bless" means "to speak well of." It's the same term from which we get the English word "eulogy." We are to eulogize the person who has offended us...before his or her life has ended. However, we cannot wait until we feel like it; we must choose deliberately, contrary to our nature. Otherwise, the desire for retaliation will fester.
Note the alternative to returning evil with evil: "Respect what is right." The Greek for "respect" means "to forsee, take thoght of, have regard for." It relies heavily on the concept of seeing or vision. This makes a great deal of sense. We are to look past the offense to see what good we can do, so that our actions aren't mere reactions. Our behavior should be guided by godly character, not pulled here and there by this insult or that offense.
[12:18-20]
Paul is a realist, however. He --perhaps better than most men-- understands that some people are determined to be our enemy regardless of how we choose to behave. Some folks simply live to fight and wouldn't know what to do without someone to harass. Insofar as it depends on us, we are to live at peace with everyone. How? Paul suggests two responses, one passive and one active.
First, when an enemy deliberately causes harm, we are to let it go unsnswered. Now, allow me to clarify. This is not a situation in which one person in a relationship causes harm to another and must be confronted in order to restore the bond. In that case, we must follow the procedure outlined by Jesus in Matthew 18:15-17. Here, Paul is referring to the deeds of an enemy --presumably someone outside the body of Christ, though not neccessarily!-- in which he or she clearly intends to harm another. Confrontation would be pointless. Paul's advice: let it go.
Note the reason we are to set aside our revenge. It is to "leave room for the wrath of God." At first, I took that to mean something like this: "Don't seek to harm your enemy in return for an offense. Let God do it for you because He can hurt 'em a whole lot worse than you can!" And chances are good you've heard that kind of teaching before. However, the wrath of God during this age of grace pursues the sinner, cuts off his escape, confronts her with the consequences of sin, chastises him, and makes her continued sin miserable. Why? To bring the individual to repentance. To give him or her grace. To redeem our enemy as He has redeemed all believers.
When we take our own revenge, we dare to stand between God and His beloved, whom He may choose to pursue. Furthermore, we presume to take the Creator's place on the seat of judgement in the life of another creature. Eventually, the age of grace will end and the time of judgment will begin. If that person is ultimately doomed to suffer God's eternal wrath, they are those we pity, not those with whom we dream of settling scores.
Paul's second suggested respnse is more active: extend him or her the same hospitality you would a friendly stranger. The reference to food and drink draws inspiration from the Near Eastern duty to provede travelers a meal and a safe place to sleep. However, let me clarify a few misconceptions.
This is not a proof text for pacifism. Paul wasn't writing about the foreign policy of a nation. These are instrutions for individuals who find themselves the target of another's evil deeds. Furthermore, Paul does not intend to condemn the good sense to defend oneself or one's family against a physical attack. If someone tries to break into your house in the middle of the night, you don't say, "Hey, don't forget to look in the media room, there's a lot of electonics you might enjoy." No! Fight! Call the police, have the intruder arrested, and press charges.
Paul does not intend this to prohibit protecting one's homeland or preserving one's wife and/or family from an intruder. Rather, this is about heated arguments, malicious lawsuits, deliberate slander, and dirty politics at work or school or neighborhood or even church. It's okay to pretect yourself and your family. However, there's a fine line between protection and retaliation. It can be difficult to see, especially in the heat of the moment. Our best policy is to look for ways to be kind to an enemy and fight only to survive an immediate danger to life and health.
The purpose of returning good for evil is to "heap burning coals on his head." No one knows for certain the origin of this odd centuries-old metaphor. Some suggest it points to an ancient Egyptian practice of carrying a pan of coals on one's head as a sign of contrition. I believe the phrase is merely an idiom describing humility, not unlike our expression, "He came to me with his hat in his hand." During the Great Depression in America, a cash-strapped man might have no other choice than to approach a group of friends for a donation. It was a humiliating experience for him to hold out his hat in the desperate hope they would drop a few precious coins into it. In ancient times, allowing one's household fire to go out was seen as the epitome of irresponsibility. The humiliating experience of walking home from a neighbor's house with a pan of coals probably gave rise to this word-picture for humility.
Whatever the exact origin of the phrase, the meaning is clear. The purpose of kindness is to allow the conscience of the enemy to do its job. Hopefully our good conduct, our humility, will bring about humility and repentance in return.
Chuck Swindoll, New Testament Insights on Romans p238-239
The second passage is an allusion to Job 41:11, in which the Lord challenges the bewildered and suffering patriarch, "Who has given to Me that I should repay him? Whatever is under the whole heaven is Mine." This divine challenge comes at the end of a long quest for answers by Job and his friends, a journey that called into question God's integrity, wisdom, and goodness. Then, just like now, they faced tragedy with a singular question on their lips: Why? And for months, the man's so-called friends speculated about His nature and spun a tangled web of vain theologies. Job's wife counseled him to forsake life and end his own misery. Eventually, the man was brought to his end and strongly demanded his day in court, where he felt sure he would be vindicated and the Lord caught short.
After a long time -- we don't know how long -- the Lord broke the silence as He confronted the man who was "blameless, upright, fearing God and turning away from evil" (Job 1:1). However, He didn't come with answers. Job never learns of Satan's challenge in heaven. Job never recieves an explanation. He is never presented with a logical list of reasons that his tragedy was ultimately a part of God's good plan for him and everyone affected. Instead, he encounters God Himself -- and this meets his need. Seeing God's unsearchable mercy and gazing into His unfathomable ways end the man's desperate quest for answers. He puts his hand over his mouth and repents of his foolish outbursts. And, at that point, he worships.
Leilani Cummings, Thou shalt love theyself...
http://godstuff.ablurk.com/archives/291
If we as Christians have nothing better than the latest pop-psych to offer, why would the hurting and lost come to Christ? They’ve tried all that stuff, it’s empty and without substance. It is a substitute for real change and real transformation. So, why are we watering the Gospel down? Why aren’t each of us then “ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in us…” as Peter admonishes us to do? I think Paul in 1 Corinthians 13 gives us the reason…we’re children and we don’t want to grow up! We want and crave the milk of God’s Word and refuse the meat…because it’s hard. We want our ears tickled.
Bob Hoekstra
This "other truth" is man's best guess about what is going on in an arena that he can not really see: the heart, soul, mind and inner man. Man cannot see in there. When he tries to look in, he gets all confused, because the heart is deceitful. God is the only one who can look upon it, and He is not guessing at what is taking place. He just looks in there, declares the way He made man, how man fell, what the resulting problems are, and what He has provided to make man whole inside. He has declared all of this to us in His Word. If we integrate human philosophies or theories into these matters of divince revelation, we are polluting God's truth.
Joe Boot
Reason is only trustworthy when it finds its place under God's authority. Without trust in God, we have to assume that the laws of logic are valid without any guarantee or justification for this assumption. The presence of the divine logos, the very Word of God, is necessary, and Jesus is revealed as the logos - the word from which we derive the term "logic". In John 1, Jesus is the self-existant one, the ground of all being. He is the truth and the life (John 14:6). He alone can bring completeness to our reasoning. Only in Him is there a truly transcendant source of knowledge that illuminates the minds of creatures. Without Him there is no completeness. When we accept His truth by faith, we can have a logically consistent worldview. God's truth in the world and his Word, both in the created order and special revelation, are one. They are interrelated and connected, and so taken seperately cannot adequately be known. We must begin any pursuit of knowledge with confident submission to God and His Word.
Chuck Swindoll, New Testament Insights on Romans p 264-266
[12:17]
Paul's counsel is straightforward enough: "To no one give back evil against evil" (my literal translation). While explaining the qualities of genuine love, Paul echoed the words of Christ, "Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse" (12:14; Matt. 5:44; Luke 6:28). Isn't it interesting that both Jesus and Paul instruct us to watch our speech? The heart is a well and the tongue is a bucket. The lips can only draw from what's in the heart, and an untransformed heart contains an insatiable desire to protect its own rights.
Plans for revenge begin with cursing. The Theological Dictionary of the New Testament notes: "Curses, found in almost all religious history, are utterances that are designed to bring harm by supernatural operation." Today we don't traffic in black magic and malicious incantations, but we do curse, we do wish harm to come on the person who has injured or offended us. How we choose to respond verbally prepares us for our next decision. If we want to obey the command to avoid returning evil for evil, we must bring our tongues under control. We must first obey the command to "bless and not curse."
The Greek word for "bless" means "to speak well of." It's the same term from which we get the English word "eulogy." We are to eulogize the person who has offended us...before his or her life has ended. However, we cannot wait until we feel like it; we must choose deliberately, contrary to our nature. Otherwise, the desire for retaliation will fester.
Note the alternative to returning evil with evil: "Respect what is right." The Greek for "respect" means "to forsee, take thoght of, have regard for." It relies heavily on the concept of seeing or vision. This makes a great deal of sense. We are to look past the offense to see what good we can do, so that our actions aren't mere reactions. Our behavior should be guided by godly character, not pulled here and there by this insult or that offense.
[12:18-20]
Paul is a realist, however. He --perhaps better than most men-- understands that some people are determined to be our enemy regardless of how we choose to behave. Some folks simply live to fight and wouldn't know what to do without someone to harass. Insofar as it depends on us, we are to live at peace with everyone. How? Paul suggests two responses, one passive and one active.
First, when an enemy deliberately causes harm, we are to let it go unsnswered. Now, allow me to clarify. This is not a situation in which one person in a relationship causes harm to another and must be confronted in order to restore the bond. In that case, we must follow the procedure outlined by Jesus in Matthew 18:15-17. Here, Paul is referring to the deeds of an enemy --presumably someone outside the body of Christ, though not neccessarily!-- in which he or she clearly intends to harm another. Confrontation would be pointless. Paul's advice: let it go.
Note the reason we are to set aside our revenge. It is to "leave room for the wrath of God." At first, I took that to mean something like this: "Don't seek to harm your enemy in return for an offense. Let God do it for you because He can hurt 'em a whole lot worse than you can!" And chances are good you've heard that kind of teaching before. However, the wrath of God during this age of grace pursues the sinner, cuts off his escape, confronts her with the consequences of sin, chastises him, and makes her continued sin miserable. Why? To bring the individual to repentance. To give him or her grace. To redeem our enemy as He has redeemed all believers.
When we take our own revenge, we dare to stand between God and His beloved, whom He may choose to pursue. Furthermore, we presume to take the Creator's place on the seat of judgement in the life of another creature. Eventually, the age of grace will end and the time of judgment will begin. If that person is ultimately doomed to suffer God's eternal wrath, they are those we pity, not those with whom we dream of settling scores.
Paul's second suggested respnse is more active: extend him or her the same hospitality you would a friendly stranger. The reference to food and drink draws inspiration from the Near Eastern duty to provede travelers a meal and a safe place to sleep. However, let me clarify a few misconceptions.
This is not a proof text for pacifism. Paul wasn't writing about the foreign policy of a nation. These are instrutions for individuals who find themselves the target of another's evil deeds. Furthermore, Paul does not intend to condemn the good sense to defend oneself or one's family against a physical attack. If someone tries to break into your house in the middle of the night, you don't say, "Hey, don't forget to look in the media room, there's a lot of electonics you might enjoy." No! Fight! Call the police, have the intruder arrested, and press charges.
Paul does not intend this to prohibit protecting one's homeland or preserving one's wife and/or family from an intruder. Rather, this is about heated arguments, malicious lawsuits, deliberate slander, and dirty politics at work or school or neighborhood or even church. It's okay to pretect yourself and your family. However, there's a fine line between protection and retaliation. It can be difficult to see, especially in the heat of the moment. Our best policy is to look for ways to be kind to an enemy and fight only to survive an immediate danger to life and health.
The purpose of returning good for evil is to "heap burning coals on his head." No one knows for certain the origin of this odd centuries-old metaphor. Some suggest it points to an ancient Egyptian practice of carrying a pan of coals on one's head as a sign of contrition. I believe the phrase is merely an idiom describing humility, not unlike our expression, "He came to me with his hat in his hand." During the Great Depression in America, a cash-strapped man might have no other choice than to approach a group of friends for a donation. It was a humiliating experience for him to hold out his hat in the desperate hope they would drop a few precious coins into it. In ancient times, allowing one's household fire to go out was seen as the epitome of irresponsibility. The humiliating experience of walking home from a neighbor's house with a pan of coals probably gave rise to this word-picture for humility.
Whatever the exact origin of the phrase, the meaning is clear. The purpose of kindness is to allow the conscience of the enemy to do its job. Hopefully our good conduct, our humility, will bring about humility and repentance in return.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Love yourself to death
Colossians 2:8
Beware lest anyone cheat you through philosophy and empty deceit, according to the tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to Christ.
I was planning on discussing a few other topics that I've been mulling and meditating on. Instead I decided to go with this one because it is currently a topic of discussion amongst a few brothers and I. I've also posted it on facebook to get other people's opinions but none were satisfactory.
The question:
Does God command us anywhere in Scripture to love ourselves? Is it a pre-requisite to love ourselves before we are capable of loving others?
Comments I've heard other Christians say:
"You need to learn to love yourself first."
"You get yourself right, then worry about others."
"God helps those that help themselves."
There are many things that get talked about in church and in our homes that we can disagree on. Many times when talking with other brothers in the body, we run into things that we see differently on or have different views. Pre/mid/post rapture for example. We can have different opinions and it be okay. For some reason the topic of loving ourselves has touched a nerve with me. It seems that learning humility is kind of like a foundational concept. I believe it is vital to have a proper view of youself when compared to God.
When I look at the entire council of God (systematically cover to cover), self-denial is pretty much yelled at us from the very beginning of the bible to the last page. The Word is about the plan of salvation. The story of love. The revelation of Jesus Christ who told us that whoever loses his life will find it. He told us about death and being born again. He told us obedience in carrying our cross is what is best for us. He told us there is no greater love than laying our life down for another. He told us to not worry, to not complain, to do everything without grumbling, to esteem others, to encourage, to deny ourselves, to look to Him when we rise and sleep, to pray continually, that the poor in spirit are blessed, to have faith like a child, to not lean on our own understanding, to avoid philosophy and many words, to test everything, to show ourselves approved, to be above reproach, to accept discipline, to seek council, to write His words on our hearts, to seek Him and renew our minds....I can keep going.
My point is, where oh where does He ever say ANYTHING about loving ourselves???? From what I can tell, He goes to great lengths to tell us the opposite. Anytime anyone did anything with selfish ambition, He squashed it. He called them out. He brought the truth in love challenging their motives. Not even that, He was a servant to the point of death. He came to die and rise again which is what he asks and promises us.
Philippians 2:5-8
Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross.
What is witnessing?? I believe witnessing is telling someone about the love of Christ and how it has changed your life. How would it look after talking with someone for an hour about the gospel, the healing words of Christ, how it has transformed you from your old self to the new and how much He loves this person, to suddenly telling them "You gotta love yourself first though."
Would that not completely shift their line of thinking?? Isn't the tradition of men self-love? self-esteem. Self-empowerment. Meeting your needs so that you're able to meet others?
Isn't talking about loving yourself kind of like anti-witnessing? It's taking the focus off of the love of God and shifting it to an inward love. "Don't look up, look inward."
It just blows my mind how Christians can think this way. Am I missing something?
The Scripture that says the greatest commandment is loving God and loving others as yourself does not mean you need to love yourself. It's exposing how much you DO love your"self" and it should blow your mind that Christ is asking you to love others like that. We are completely self-loving self-seeking individuals. No one has to teach us to be selfish. In fact, He had to expose us so that we could see things differently. In no way do I think God would even HINT at commanding self-loving creatures to love themselves. That is absolutely crazy.
a quote I heard and rememberd. Can't remember source.
"Humility is not thinking lowly about yourself. It's not thinking about yourself at all."
Beware lest anyone cheat you through philosophy and empty deceit, according to the tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to Christ.
I was planning on discussing a few other topics that I've been mulling and meditating on. Instead I decided to go with this one because it is currently a topic of discussion amongst a few brothers and I. I've also posted it on facebook to get other people's opinions but none were satisfactory.
The question:
Does God command us anywhere in Scripture to love ourselves? Is it a pre-requisite to love ourselves before we are capable of loving others?
Comments I've heard other Christians say:
"You need to learn to love yourself first."
"You get yourself right, then worry about others."
"God helps those that help themselves."
There are many things that get talked about in church and in our homes that we can disagree on. Many times when talking with other brothers in the body, we run into things that we see differently on or have different views. Pre/mid/post rapture for example. We can have different opinions and it be okay. For some reason the topic of loving ourselves has touched a nerve with me. It seems that learning humility is kind of like a foundational concept. I believe it is vital to have a proper view of youself when compared to God.
When I look at the entire council of God (systematically cover to cover), self-denial is pretty much yelled at us from the very beginning of the bible to the last page. The Word is about the plan of salvation. The story of love. The revelation of Jesus Christ who told us that whoever loses his life will find it. He told us about death and being born again. He told us obedience in carrying our cross is what is best for us. He told us there is no greater love than laying our life down for another. He told us to not worry, to not complain, to do everything without grumbling, to esteem others, to encourage, to deny ourselves, to look to Him when we rise and sleep, to pray continually, that the poor in spirit are blessed, to have faith like a child, to not lean on our own understanding, to avoid philosophy and many words, to test everything, to show ourselves approved, to be above reproach, to accept discipline, to seek council, to write His words on our hearts, to seek Him and renew our minds....I can keep going.
My point is, where oh where does He ever say ANYTHING about loving ourselves???? From what I can tell, He goes to great lengths to tell us the opposite. Anytime anyone did anything with selfish ambition, He squashed it. He called them out. He brought the truth in love challenging their motives. Not even that, He was a servant to the point of death. He came to die and rise again which is what he asks and promises us.
Philippians 2:5-8
Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross.
What is witnessing?? I believe witnessing is telling someone about the love of Christ and how it has changed your life. How would it look after talking with someone for an hour about the gospel, the healing words of Christ, how it has transformed you from your old self to the new and how much He loves this person, to suddenly telling them "You gotta love yourself first though."
Would that not completely shift their line of thinking?? Isn't the tradition of men self-love? self-esteem. Self-empowerment. Meeting your needs so that you're able to meet others?
Isn't talking about loving yourself kind of like anti-witnessing? It's taking the focus off of the love of God and shifting it to an inward love. "Don't look up, look inward."
It just blows my mind how Christians can think this way. Am I missing something?
The Scripture that says the greatest commandment is loving God and loving others as yourself does not mean you need to love yourself. It's exposing how much you DO love your"self" and it should blow your mind that Christ is asking you to love others like that. We are completely self-loving self-seeking individuals. No one has to teach us to be selfish. In fact, He had to expose us so that we could see things differently. In no way do I think God would even HINT at commanding self-loving creatures to love themselves. That is absolutely crazy.
a quote I heard and rememberd. Can't remember source.
"Humility is not thinking lowly about yourself. It's not thinking about yourself at all."
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Scripture reading
3/15
Currently reading : John
Studying (forever) : Romans
Proverb 15:22
It was really hard for me to learn to ask and seek counsel. My pride tells me that I make my own choices and that I don't need anyone's help. I feel differently about that now. I don't believe that the people in my life are out to get me, so I actually want their opinion. They usually always lead me to Scripture so I am very greatful for the godly people that are in my life.
Verse : Romans 8:5
For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit.
3/17
Proverb 17:20
This proverb always screams at me. One of the areas that I def fall short in is my language. Not that I cuss, but my humor and conversation sometimes veers into areas that are not edifying. My sense of humor still goes in wrong directions. I believe my defense mechanism of wanting to be liked kicks in and it overpowers the desire to do what is right.
Verse : Psalm 10:4
The wicked, in the haughtiness of his countenance, does not seek Him. All his thoughts are, "There is no God."
5/18/2011
Hebrews 13:9
Do not be carried about with various and strange doctrines. For it is good that the heart be established by grace, not with foods which have not profited those who have been occupied with them.
6/6/11
John 6:64
"But there are some of you who do not believe ." For Jesus knew from the beginning who they were who did not believe, and who would betray Him.
Galatians 1:11,12
But I make known to you, brethren, that the gospel which was preached by me is not according to man. For I neither recieved it from man, not was I taught it, but it came through the revelation of Jesus Christ.
11/4/11
Galatians 5:7,8
You were running well; who hindered you from obeying the truth? This persuasion did not come from Him who calls you.
My quest for Truth
What is the Bible? Isn't it just a man-made book with the purpose of controlling people? Aren't Christians just weak minded people with no purpose, thus the need for a God? Why do I keep hearing things talked about this man Jesus Christ as though he is currently alive? Wasn't he just some guy who was good with words and steeped in philosophy? Aren't all religions balled up into one category: useless? If it helps people, aren't I open to that? If it's what you need, isn't it okay? Why are these people talking about miracles from the past as though they were real? Wasn't there one about some big ship and the world flooding? Wasn't there one about the parting of some sea? Don't these people realize that they are just stories and not historical fact? Why do these people pray? Don't they know that it is pointless? Praying just helps you keep control, so keep it to youself internally. If I read any book 5 times a day, I would believe it. There is nothing special about the Bible, it is written by man right? Hasn't it been altered a countless number of times? Can't 100 people read a Scripture and come up with 100 interpretations? Isn't what works for each person what is best? I don't 'not' believe in God, I just don't know; isn't that okay? If God is so loving like Christians claim, He knows my heart and I'm okay. These are just some of the questions that raced through my mind. Although this took some time, I eventually found that I really didn't know any of the answers, I just knew what I had read/heard. It really boils down to 5 fundamental quests:
1. Origen -where did we come from?
2. Identity -who are we?
3. Meaning -why are we here?
4. Morality -how should we live?
5. Destiny -where are we going?
These are not original ideas, I can't remember where I saw these. I will try to quote where I can but i'm slack about writing down the source. If I don't have the source, I will note that the material is not mine.
I looked up the source : "I Don't Have Enough Faith to be an Atheist", by Norman L. Geisler and Frank Turek, p.20
Even before I get into where these questions took me, I have to briefly talk about the first thing that God brought to the surface in my life : my pride. In U-turn for Christ, you basically live with around 20 guys all from different walks of life. Different drugs of choice. Different home lives. I say this because up until this point, I didn't really deal with people. Once I wrote someone off in my mind just saying "they are stupid" was my solution to everything and I could exit that person's life. I quickly realized that I really wasn't too pleasant to be around sober. I thought I was awesome, but the way people responded to me told me otherwise. Since I had no music, no video games, no drugs, no cool clothes; I really didn't know how to relate to people. I made a few friends, but for the most part I could tell that something was different. I felt exposed and naked. I didn't have anything to hide behind and I didn't like it. I tried with all my might to make everything that was wrong about other people. Through wise council, I discovered that drugs really weren't the problem. It was gone and yet that was when the problems started. I felt like a little boy lost in a busy place. I had no idea where to go. Logically looking at my emotions; the hate, the anger, the desire to run, the desire to rationalize everything as stupid. This logically made me look at the fact that there was something inside of me WANTING me to run away and return to what was comfortable. This was a great indication for me to see why that was.
1. Where did I come from?
Past belief = Through evolution and very long periods of time, man is here. Some time billioins of years ago, a single cell organism began to adapt to its environment, beginning a process that has spanned eons, resulting in my existence. By huge mathmatical possibilities, survival of the fittest, natural selection and chemical processes, life has endured. Life began as certain chemicals reacted to other specific chemicals creating life. Chance reigns.
Biblical account = Man was created in God's image. All of creation has been created with a purpose and design. All of creation exists to fulfill God's plan of salvation, which was predestined before time was even time. God orchestrates everything to express His love for his creations.
Obviously, I had some problems.
[[[Even before I talk about this subject I need to say something. Nothing trumps just reading the Bible. I believe that there is a language of God. It is a language not of words or of sound, it just 'IS'. I believe that it is the language nature follows. It is the language of life. It is a language that God put in our hearts that we have lost the ability to hear. Nothing I say in this blog about the Bible and it's accuracy is going to change you. Many times I will refer another book rather than getting into specific topics on scrutinizing the Scriptures. I have read many books in my life ranging across many topics. Although they are interesting and very educational, they didn't change me. The Bible is the first book that when read actually touches on things in my heart that I thought hidden and had been there since before I can remember. Nothing but the words of God can do this. Many things I talk about are interesting, but you have to actually read the Bible in order to hear from God or to be able to defend your disbelief in Him. The Bible is 'that' language put into words so that we can understand it. It is for human lives through accounts of human lives. It is unexplainable and when read, the fact that it is not from this world becomes apparent. PLEASE READ IT!! If there is ever any specific Scripture to discuss, find me on facebook. This blog will not get too specific into the application and validitiy of Scriptures, it is about my walk thus far with God. Ok, back to where I was at :o) ]]]]
For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because that which is known about God is evident to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse. For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed animals and crawling creatures. [Romans 1:18-23]
He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities- all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. [Colossians 1:15-17]
In the beginning God created the heavans and the earth. [Genesis 1:1]
I might actually be getting ahead of myself. In the beginning of my walk, when people would bring me Scripture, I would just say in my mind "But I don't believe in the Bible so why give me Scripture. You can't prove something by using itself."
I recommend the following books which I have read and would REALLY enjoy discussing after being read:
The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel
Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
The New Evidence That Demands a Verdict by Josh McDowell
More Than a Carpenter by Josh McDowell
These really helped in addressing my doubts and problems I had about the Bible while beginning to read it. I highly recommend above all else talking to people about things you read in the Scriptures. Don't be afraid to ask questions and raise doubts, just be prepared for an answer.
So, you can imagine the conflict that insued when I read what the Bible declared happened in creation. The Bible went against everything I had been taught up until that point. School, parents, friends, books, movies, music; it all hinted at me being in charge of my own destiny. If it were true that what the Bible said about my existence and the intent behind it, I had some explaining to do. My life thus far had been lived without having to answer for my actions. I was in control of my life (or so I thought), so to learn that there was a God that loved me hit me pretty hard. Loved me even though I had done what I had done. That made NO SENSE to me.
This book (the Bible) told me that I was created out of love and that the creator of the universe came down to earth as a man. Once I learned a little bit about the things this man said, it shocked me to learn that he was hung on a cross. I remember hearing someone say "They basically killed Mr. Rogers because he told them to love their neighbor. That has to make you wonder." This truth blew me away! I expected Jesus to say some hate-filled and offensive things given how my life had been full of people attacking Him. I expected Him to make me angry. Say things that totally went against what was inside me and for it to be obvious that this was some scheme by man. But instead, His message was about love and how His life represented that love. The things found in the gospels spoken by Christ have such a supernatural power. Shortly after reading the Bible for the first time, I realized that it wasn't what I had always thought it was. I realized that not that many people ACTUALLY read it or knew what it said enough to allow its words to guide their life. I learned that most of the Christians that I had met did not actually read it and were just acting according to what they were taught. I'm not making assumptions. I remember many things they said and it went against what the Word of God says. I know we all fail, but when someone's life is submitted to the will of God, you can tell. You can also tell when it is not. I believe it is a discernment that only the Word of God can give you through His Spirit.
Recommended reading on the person of Christ and the things He said :
The four Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John)
The Jesus I Never Knew by Philip Yancey
Jesus Among Other gods by Ravi Zacharias
The Life of Jesus by Josh McDowell
I defend the life of Christ because I believe it is the beginning of anyone who comes to Christ. I believe what He said needs to be challenged and observed. I know that what He said are the words of life, so I quickly tell non-believers to meet Him head on. His Word says that anyone who diligently seeks Him will find Him, and I agree with my whole heart. Anything further on where I came from, the validity of the Bible and of the person of Christ would ask for my opinions. I believe the Bible, once read, is very clear on the subject.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
The Beginning
Well, I have never blogged before. I saw my wife doing it so I thought I would jump on the bandwagon. I'm not even sure what blogging is other than you type stuff. So much has happened over the last few years that to begin without going far enough back would be an injustice. So where do I begin?
I was born in Germany in 1982. Although I am of German descent, I believe I was there because my father was in the military. Because I have a problem with talking/typing too much and the fact that I don't like talking about myself too much, I will try to be brief.
I was raised in your typical American home. 2 parents, 1 sister, no divorce. And I know I might step on some toes with these things, it is the truth. I was raised in a postmodern home; meaning that truth was relative in my upbringing. I noticed at a very young age (somewhere around 12 or so) that I didn't really like people too much. I grew up without a 'bigger picture' mentality, so when I would ponder the question "why am I here?", it quickly became apparent that there was no point to life. Thus, since there was no point, I really didn't care about anyone around me. Logically, why would I? I quickly considered myself an aethiest/agnostic and really hated all forms of organized religion. I believed that religion was for stupid and weak people that can't control their own life.
I would be told things like "you can do anything you set your mind to" or "just think positive" or "you are so smart, you're just not applying yourself". Problem with this thinking was that when things didn't work out and things fell through or failed, I quickly became angry at the people telling me these things. If I know that I tried and yet it failed, why try again? And then I would wonder why I should want to try again!! If I just die and go into a hole in the ground, who gives a crap about how much money I make? Why would I want a house? Why would I want good grades? Why do I need friends? Why should I listen to the things people say to me? I quickly got angry at the world and everyone in it. I just basically did not care about anything and slowly learned that manipulation and intellect was the way to go. Logically I would get what I want and if people fell by the wayside, who cares? So when I realized that my parents and people around me were human and had faults, I exploited them. Not because I wanted to, it just logically made sense. Do what you needed to do to get what you want and try to survive. Isn't that what everyone was doing? And when someone hurt me, it just gave fuel to my hate which drove my way of thinking. It was a win-win situation.
So, obviously, I made my way to drugs. It began with pot at the age of fourteen. I was instantly hooked. Not to the effects of marijuana, but to the escape. I could put aside all the chaos that was going on in my head and just "BE". It's like every time I got high it was a side story to the narrative that was my life. I also begain dabbling with music. Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson, Nirvana, Rage Against the Machine, White Zombie, Korn.....these begain my career in losing myself in my mind. I found people that felt the same way that I did about life. I was home. So naturally I was drawn to people in life, like in music, that had my same beliefs and had a complete lack of concern for life and the people in it. Let's just get high, have fun and wait till it's over.
We lived in Texas at the time (around '93-'94) and up until this point all I had done was pot and cigarettes. We then moved to Columbia SC, and within weeks my life took a major turn. I quickly made friends with fellow Metal/Hip-Hop heads, and quickly started getting stoned and connections to get pot. Well, that's when I first started experimenting with acid or LSD. This opened up many doors in my mind that were previously closed and I ate it up. Literally. I ate so much LSD. It's like a year was one long trip. I was throwing house parties when parents went out of town and just living it up. It was about the end of my sophomore year when a major event made its way into my life : Raves, techno and ecstasy.
I finally fell in love with a drug and the effects it had on my mind. I was finally happy. I cannot express how much I enjoyed going to raves, eating A LOT of ecstasy and forgetting who I was. My life for multiple years was eating pills all weekend, going to a nearby city and attending a rave, and then waiting all week till the next one. Well, for anyone that knows anything about ecstasy, while it is really great while it is going on, you really crash afterwards. This is how prescription drugs made their way into my life. During the week in school, I would take a mixture of Adderall, Xanax, Hydrocodone, Oxycodone, Percocet and many others to counter the effects that the ecstasy had on my mind and emotions. The last 2-3 years of high school was basically a blur of parties, almost dying on pills, sleeping, smoking, music and driving. Mixed in there were experiments with shrooms, special-K, many other prescriptions, drinking, candy flipping, GHB amongst other things. If someone would ask me what my drug of choice was I would say "whatcha got?"
The end of the year 2000 was the one defining moment in my life that would change it from there on out : I discovered heroin. The moment I did it, my brain said "this is what i've been looking for"....at the time, I was living in a two bedroom town home, owned quite a bit of stuff, was in a serious relationship and for the most part happy. I lost everything to heroin. Everything. Just to be quick, the next 9 years was going through one reset of life after another. Everything I did and said was for heroin. I used everyone I knew. I stole anything I could. Any money I made was for my fix. In and out of rehabs (some family doesn't know about), on and off of methadone (when I 'tried' to quit), losing apartments, losing jobs, losing friends; over and over. I upgraded after 3 years from smoking it to shooting it up and if you can believe it, it got worse. I eventually had an overdose, in which I stopped breathing, turned blue and hit the pavement with foam coming out of mouth. Needless to say I was rushed to the hospital. It didn't stop me though. I got arrested a few times for attempting to buy heroin and stealing stuff. I slept in my car. Slept at friends houses. Slept/lived at parents. I really didn't care as long as I wasn't sick from withdrawals.
This is a picture of me high:
I eventually met Misty (now my wife), and we lived together. She really didn't know how bad things actually were. I was going to say that I stopped using for a little while, but my 'not using' times were me still taking subutex/suboxone to be well, so not really sober. Well, that didn't last long. I went right back to what I was doing and worse. I would steal from Misty to use. I would sell her stuff. I've stolen prescription pills from her parents and many other 'houses' i've been in. I just didn't care.
Something changed : Misty was pregnant. Believe it or not, this still didn't matter. I actually used more in the months leading up to her delivery than ever before. I had NO plan of stopping. I would spend food money (for my then unborn daughter) on heroin, come home and use, then steal money from my pregnant girlfriend to use more. I was stealing from my daughter before she was even born. I had burned all bridges with friends and family. For some reason beyond me, Misty ended up calling my family to let them know how bad things were. My family stepped in (mainly my sister and brother-in-law, praise God) and I had the option of going somewhere for help or Misty and my soon-to-be daughter would be gone. I agreed to go somewhere. I mean, I had already been places so yeah, of course I would go somewhere. I needed one of those life reset buttons again. Get my feet back on the ground and hit it running sometime in future. Well, God had different plans.
I found myself dropped off at a place called U-Turn for Christ in Lexington SC...basically right down the road. I HATED IT!!! These people prayed and read the bible!! They hugged eachother. They went to church. It was horrible. I actually tried to leave but ended up going back because I had no other options. There was no medical detox. No medication to help. No doctors on hand. No smoking. No television. No music. WHAT?!?! 5 bible studies a day?! I wasn't going to be brain washed by some stupid Christian cult. It was going to be hard, but I was determined to make it through. To say I got sick is an understatement. For about 4 days I was a zombie. I basically didn't leave my bed. I have memories of bible studies, plates of food in front of me (which i didn't eat), church services (I think), praying and people talking; that's about it. Well, in about a week, I felt better!! Which was unheard of for me. I would usually be sick for at least 2 weeks. 3 to function. But it was a week later and I was able to work, talk, joke, EAT!, comprehend conversations and reading; it was amazing! So I quickly knew that something that I did not understand was happening. A week and a half after arriving at the program I got saved! To try and put into words the changes that have taken place in my heart and mind would be impossible. It is that unspoken thing that anyone that has had their heart changed by a Living God knows about. I would love to talk to anyone about what God has done in my life, my mind and my heart. Something I plan on doing on this blog is posting the things that I have wrestled with God about. Whether it's theologically, Scriptural, or just through conversations I've had with fellow believers and non-believers.
My entire life has been a never-ending search for the Creator of the universe. It has been a search for the life and words of Jesus Christ. I tried filling that hole with everything under the sun with no success. The kind of things that God has changed in my heart could not have been done by any other means than through His grace and love. I have tried to escape it; I have tried to argue it; but it is these changes and how it affects my every day life and thoughts that truly keep my faith grounded. I have been building a relationship with Jesus Christ for two years now, and He has not let me down yet. He promises, I put my faith in Him and He is always there. He has not lied to me once. He has forgiven me of things that I don't understand how He could. He has shown me grace where other have shown condemnation. The world has told me I don't need God when He has been the one thing I have needed. Every single day from here on out will be my greatest attempt to show Him how much I love Him, and in that letting that love be real to others. Although I fail miserably (ask my wife), I make a conscience effort to let my life be lead by His Spirit. His grace tells me that when I stumble and fall, I can lean on Him. I am finally home.
I now live behind Calvary Chapel in Lexingtion SC (which U-turn is affiliated with), I am married to my best friend on this earth, I have a wonderful 2 yr old daughter, we regularly attend church, we are avid readers of His word and I am a full-time plumber. My life is full of joy that I cannot begin to express. There is such a peace (although I sometimes complicate it) about everything that I cannot do anything but praise His name.
I now live behind Calvary Chapel in Lexingtion SC (which U-turn is affiliated with), I am married to my best friend on this earth, I have a wonderful 2 yr old daughter, we regularly attend church, we are avid readers of His word and I am a full-time plumber. My life is full of joy that I cannot begin to express. There is such a peace (although I sometimes complicate it) about everything that I cannot do anything but praise His name.
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